The earliest reference to the word ‘tush’ can be traced back to the earliest known traces of civilization – in the cave drawings found on the mountain side of Grouse Mountain, in North Vancouver, BC. Some historians have postulated that the original name of the mountain was Tush Mountain, and that it was changed when the first Prime Minister of British Columbia swept the Morality Party (a.k.a. Conservative) into power in the year 1491 AD. A year later Christopher Columbus discovered the eastern shores of what is now known as New England. Nobody seems to know why the earliest inhabitants named the mountain Tush Mountain but after months of research, I have determined that it was because the mountain resembled a human’s tush (aka backside, bum, ass) when it is viewed at dusk from the shores of Tushview Village, (now known as White Rock).
However, my story has nothing to do with those interesting bits of trivia but it does have everything to do with ‘tushes’.
Let me explain.
It all began several months ago when my youngest brother Randy in MisterandMissesAuga, Ontario phoned to tell me that he had just had a colonoscopy procedure done as an outpatient at the local hospital. He explained that his family doctor had a practice of always giving him a ‘finger probe’ into the deepest regions of his tush whenever he had a physical examination.
Me: But why would a doctor stick his finger in there?
Randy: Because it’s the only way they can tell if there is anything growing inside your body. For goodness sake Danny, haven’t you seen the documentary film The Alien, starring Sigourney Weaver?
Me: Yes, I remember seeing that film but I thought it was just a work of science fiction.
Randy: That’s exactly what the government wants you to believe – that aliens from outer space can enter your body only in make-believe. But they’re for real and the sooner you realize this, the healthier you’ll be.
NOTE: Randy is the only one in our family who graduated from university, so it is understandable that he knows so much more than his oldest brother (and much, much more than our two, much older sisters).
Me: And that’s how you get rid of the aliens hiding in your body – by a doctor sticking his finger in your ‘tush’?
Randy: No, silly! He only sticks his finger in there to count how many of them are residing there. Once the doctor confirms that you have aliens in your body, he sends you to a proctologist.
Me: A what?
Randy: A tush doctor. Didn’t you ever see the Seinfeld episode – about the tush doctor who had a ‘The Ass Man’ vanity license plate?
Me: Jerry Seinfeld had a television show?
Randy spent the next hour explaining the procedure and why it was important for me to have it done.
Randy: My proctologist found several aliens living inside of me and he was able to cut them out. He also explained that the aliens had a name – they are known as ‘Polyps’.
Me: What do they do with the ‘Polyps’ once they’ve removed them from your.., uh… duh.. tush?
Randy: They put them in a box – so you can take them home with you. Alice knitted some tiny scarfs for each of them and we put them on the fireplace mantle during the winter holiday season (a.k.a. Christmas).
Me: So why are you telling me all of this?
Randy: Because my tush doctor told me that I should tell my brothers to have the procedure done too. I think it has something to do with the fact that we were born and raised in Oshawa – a city known to be favoured by the earliest Polyps invaders. Please promise that you’ll get the procedure done!
Me: Okay. I’ll call my family doctor today.
Several days later at my family doctor’s office…
Dr. W.: – Hi Danny, what can we do for you today?
Me: My baby brother told me that I should get you to… stick one of your fingers… er, uh, duh… into my…
But before I could say ‘tush’ the good doctor had already started applying axle grease – to the tips of his fingers all the way up to his elbow.
Dr. W.: This might hurt a little…
Several minutes later my doctor finished the examination and declared that although he couldn’t detect any aliens (Polyps) he was referring me to a proctologist anyway. He said that these Polyps are very sneaky and not always detectable by ‘the finger/arm probe’.
A day or so later, I got a phone message from the office of a Dr. such and such and that I had an appointment for a consultation.
Several weeks later, I arrived at the tush doctor’s office. However, I forgot the name of the doctor I was supposed to see and there were at least 50 doctor names on the door of the office.
Receptionist: Hello, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I have an appointment with a doctor at this address but I can’t remember his name.
Receptionist: We have over 50 doctors in this office – what were you seeing him for?
Me: Uh.. er… duh… it’s about having my… uh.. duh… um… it’s about having the aliens removed from my… uh… duh…
Receptionist: Your tush?
Me: Uh, yeah.
Receptionist: Go down the hall and it’s the third door on your left.
When I entered the office of the Tush Man I noticed that there were other patients there – both men and women, children and adults.
‘Gee whiz’, I thought to myself, ‘these Polyps must be everywhere!’
Suddenly, a young man in a white coat came into the waiting room and asked for Danny St. Andrews. I was amazed at how young the doctor appeared. The second thing I noticed was the length of his fingers (and arm) – and then I cringed at the thought of another examination.
Tush Man: When did you first notice that you had aliens living in your body?
Me: Shortly after my family doctor removed his arm from my… tush.
Tush Man: Take off your shirt and lay on this table.
He then started pressing his hands against my stomach. He did this for a couple of seconds and then declared…
Tush Man: Okay, you can open your eyes now and put your shirt back on – my office will call you with your appointment date.
Me: Forgive me for asking… but how old are you? You look very young to be a doctor – when did you graduate?
But what I really wanted to know was why the examination hadn’t included the Tush Man inserting his arm into my tush.
Tush Man: Don’t worry, I’ve done thousands of these exorcisms.
Me: Did you know that Jerry Seinfeld had had a television show that had an episode about the Ass Doctor?
Tush Man: Who is Jerry Seinfeld?
The very next day I got a call from the Tush Man’s office advising me that my exorcism (colonoscopy) was scheduled for Thursday, July 16th. They also gave me instructions on the medications that I needed to purchase and that I would have to fast – and have nothing to eat for a day before the procedure. And as I hung the phone up, I could swear that I felt the aliens burrowing further into my colon and that’s when The Fear began…
To be continued…